As much as your university may look like Hogwarts, the reality is it’s just not the same.
1. You got your offer by logging in to UCAS in what was an anticlimactic moment.
You didn’t receive your offer via the attempted medium of a thousand delivery owls; nor did you receive the news directly from a giant (or half-giant) riding a flying motorbike – all of which your evil Uncle did not successfully block.
No, you had a little notification telling you ‘Congratulations, your place at University has been confirmed’ and that was that, none of this spine-tingling life-changing ‘You’re a wizard, Harry’ malarkey that goes down as one of the most famous lines in recent popular fiction…
2. You prepared for university by buying a pen and perhaps even a notepad.
Forget about a magical trip to Diagon Alley; there were no wands for you, and you definitely (sadly) weren’t required to buy a compulsory pet owl.
In fact, the most obscure thing on your shopping list was probably something like a toilet brush. Which turned out to be provided anyway – sorry Mum.
3. Thankfully there was no risk of being placed in a hall specifically for evil people – only to be despised by the rest of the student body and a large proportion of staff.
It was more of a mixed bag – what with random allocation and all that. While you might have come across the occasional sadist in your hall, you rest assured that they were comfortably counterbalanced by at least one brave & righteous person, one very intelligent person and one person who is bumbling but lovable.
4. Student Finance may be a nightmare, but at least it’s not an underground vault guarded by menacing goblins.
And sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but when it finally arrives it will not be in the form of gold.
5. The campus maintenance staff are nowhere near as friendly.
It is unlikely – though not impossible – that you will befriend them to such an extent that you’ll regularly spend time visiting their cabin for cakes instead of going to your lectures or hanging out with people your own age.
6. Your formal dinners are relatively risk-free.
A troll will not interrupt, and if by some odd chance it does, you certainly will not be required to fight it. If, by some odder chance, you are required to fight it – sue the University.
7. People are generally friendly and open minded – at least to begin with. The chances of making an arch-enemy on your first day are pretty slim.
If you do manage to make such a nemesis then you need to seriously ask yourself how and why. You should perhaps even leave your University and start again elsewhere under a false identity because things could get dangerous – is it worth the risk?
8. Joining the chess team is less credible, dramatic and fun.
Instead of your life, the only thing you’ll be sacrificing is your ‘street-cred’ (If that’s even still a thing…)
9. Some things are similar. Your university will probably have a Quidditch team – but you should avoid it at all costs.
Unless you want to end up looking like this
10. You won’t even remotely know the Vice Chancellor – you’ll probably never even meet him.
He won’t mysteriously appear at random moments to give you nasty-flavoured sweets. And he won’t surreptitiously set you up to complete life-threatening missions on his behalf. If he does do any of these things this is again something that perhaps needs reporting.