Every Single Thing That Happens When You Try To Write an Essay at Uni
University is pain.
1. You get the assignment and say to yourself, “I won’t leave this ’til the last minute like last time, it’s important.”
2. You choose the easiest-looking essay question to answer.
3. After all that hard work you take a break.
4. A week later your course friend mentions the nightmare they’re having with the essay.
5. You remember the essay exists.
6. You message other people to check that they haven’t all started.
7. One of them hasn’t, everything is fine.
8. You make a document and call it “ESSAY”.
9. You write the title.
10. It. Is. On.
11. You don’t know what font to use so you try all of them out on your title.
12. You debate font size, spacing, margins and where to put page numbers.
13. You get tired.
14. You wake up the following afternoon and there are very important things happening on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram.
15. This delays your progress by several hours.
16. You go to the library, get out every book you can find on your topic and walk back to your seat with stacks of them.
17. Other people look at you, and you know they know you mean serious fucking business.
18. You open your laptop and go straight to YouTube. No one can write an essay without the perfect background tunes.
19. The perfect background tunes take a long time to find.
20. You Google your topic and don’t know where to start. Wikipedia seems like a pretty safe bet.
21. Hours later you suddenly realise that you know everything about the breakup of Yugoslavia and nothing about your essay topic.
22. Time for vending machine snacks and a chat with your course friend. She’s written 1000 words and says, “but I’m sooo going to fail”.
23. You tell her you’re only just starting and she says, “aw but you’ll be fine though”.
24. Your word count remains firmly at 40, but you tell yourself you’re good under pressure.
25. You’ve only really looked at 2 of your books over the course of a few hours and time is running out. You need to start writing.
26. You find a perfect reference on Google Books but the one page you need isn’t included in the preview.
27. You conclude that research is hard and probably not that essential.
28. You decide to head home and say to yourself, “I’ll be more productive there.”
29. Your housemate is watching a film. The essay will have to wait.
30. The next day you start writing with absolutely no idea what you intend to do because there is no time to plan.
31. Panic begins to set in.
32. You write the first paragraph.
33. This is fucking brilliant. You are an actual genius.
34. You spare a thought briefly for all the people who put more work into this module than you, whereas you are now winging it and coming up with great stuff.
35. Hahahaha lol @ them.
36. You check the word count.
37. You bulk up the next paragraph by quoting an entire paragraph from one of your references. Excellent.
38. Your housemate Snapchats you from a bar, they’re having a great night out with their course friends.
39. You calculate exactly what you need in this essay to not ruin the year.
40. There is no way you can go out.
41. You write hundreds of words in a small space of time and just hope for the best.
42. The next morning, you re-read what you wrote and think, “what the actual fuck.”
43. There is no time to do anything about it now.
44. You realise you are actually not good under pressure.
45. You say to yourself, “I can’t believe I left this ’til the last minute like last time, it’s important.”
46. You write words. They are all bad.
47. You frantically message every person you can think of on your course to find out how they’re getting on.
48. A couple of them are having a terrible time. You say, “awww noooo, I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
49. But really you’re thinking, “well thank fuck for that.”
50. You throw a conclusion onto the page worse than the conclusions you were writing at school.
51. You have enough words.
52. You see many problems within each paragraph that need editing.
53. You do not fix them.
54. You hate yourself for not referencing as you went along.
55. You tell yourself the marker won’t know if you just make up page numbers for your references.
56. You quickly skim read and print your essay.
57. There is nothing to be done now.
58. Finally, you begin to understand the gravity of what you have done.