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11 Things Cynical Students Find Intolerable About ‘Never Have I Ever’

The drinks are flowing and you’re trying to make the most of being able to adequately talk to people whilst you can, before sambuca shot number 20 gives you a speech impediment that makes your slur your words and forget your own name.

But all of a sudden you are rudely interrupted by a suggestion to gather round and play ‘Never have I ever’, which never do you ever want to play. There are just certain things about it that you simply can’t stand.

1. The person who suggests it.

Cue the next half an hour being taken up by them acting like they’re the only person in the room who’s ever had sex.

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2. The people who encourage it.

Also their excuse to brag about their sex lives after falling under the wrong and self-obsessed conclusion that everyone else in the room cares. “Oh, you’ve had sex in a tent?”

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3. The guy whose scandalous stories all seem to conveniently come from their gap year abroad.

Leaving no proof that they have done what they are claiming to have done except for their very unreliable word of mouth.

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4. Anyone who acts all coy and bashful when their secrets are exposed.

As if someone forced them to admit that they had sex in a car.

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5. The people who take ages to answer because they’re worried they’ll come across as unadventurous and therefore ‘uncool’.

“Never have I ever had sex in a park? Ummm…”

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6. The people who evidently think that university is like an episode of Skins.

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7. The people who excitedly demand a story.

As though they are about to be told the secrets of the world as opposed to the finer details of someone’s illicit night of passion, which undoubtedly involved alcohol and bad decisions. How original.

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8. Being judged for having not done something.

Making you feel that despite your intelligence, sense of humour and amazing personality, you now have to have had sex on a bus to fit in – even though all those who claim to have done it probably haven’t.

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9. Similarly, being judged for having done something.

“It’s always the quiet ones” and “you don’t seem the type” they say, as though sex is an exclusive activity for outgoing models.

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10. People who think you are boring because you do not want to play.

When in fact they are the boring ones for substituting conversation with a drinking game for idiots.

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11. Worst of all, you can’t even distance yourself from the game by saying things like “Never have I ever been to France”

Because people just won’t have any of it and will call you a prude. When really you just genuinely do not care whether someone has or hasn’t had a one night stand after a debauched nigh out in the SU bar, and do not wish to indulge in this cringe-worthy game any longer.

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Never have I ever played a worse game.

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