22 Stages of Dealing With A Horrific Hangover
We humans have discovered many incredible things since our time on earth. Electricity, penicillin and fire being some of our particularly best finds.
But despite all our progress, one thing we’re far from close to discovering is a fool-proof genuine cure for a hangover, because, let’s face it, disgusting green spinach and celery juices supposedly ‘full of antioxidants’ never really work as much as health magazines tell you they do.
This means you have to suck it up and learn to live with them instead, and there are many stages to deal with in the process of getting over them.
1. It all starts when you wake up a confused and disorientated mess and wonder where the hell you are.
Because you have no recollection of how you got home last night, or if you even got home at all.
2. You hope and you pray that you are in a familiar environment as you take twenty seconds to peel your eyes open and look into the light.
3. And wherever you are, the first thing you see is a sick bucket and bottle of water that some kind hearted soul has put next to your bed.
4. And so the process of piecing the night back together begins.
As you desperately text your friends to find out what happened to you.
5. Yet despite not remembering anything, you feel surprisingly okay.
So you go back to bed feeling smug that you have somehow miraculously avoided a hangover.
6. But this feeling is short lived.
Because you quickly realise that having stopped drinking only two hours ago, you are in fact still drunk and the worst is yet to come.
7. And soon enough, you begin to feel like someone is relentlessly punching your head from the inside.
8. As vodka, wine, and jagerbombs seep from every single pore.
9. Your head is pounding, you can’t stop sweating, and you conclude from these symptoms that you genuinely might be dying.
10. And if you are not dying of a hangover then you are most certainly dying of shame.
Because you are receiving detailed texts from your friends about last night’s antics – making you sorry you asked what happened to you in the first place.
11. Despite making it home one piece, the same can not be said for your dignity.
Which got left behind in that club where you apparently fell down a flight of stairs.
12. At least that explains the mysterious bruises you woke up with.
13. As you process all this information, your hangover is only getting worse.
So you stay in bed crying and feeling sorry for yourself, convinced you don’t deserve to feel the way you do.
14. That’s when you console yourself with excuses.
You didn’t even drink that much, but you didn’t eat before you drank and you haven’t drank in a while, which must explain how you got so drunk.
15. Then you remember the tequila… and the sambuca… and the vodka shots.
Which you had on top of wine, cocktails, rum and coke, and whatever else was on the go during your night of heavy drinking.
16. Thinking about this only makes you feel even more nauseas.
So you move from crying in your bed to crying into a toilet, wondering when the pain will go away as you vomit up mysterious colours of alcohol and the kebab you scoffed at 6am in the morning.
17. The kebab which, five hours ago, you naively thought would soak up your alcohol intake and stop you from feeling bad the next day.
18. But at least now that you’ve got the vomiting out of your system, you can slightly ease your misery by eating anything and everything in sight.
19. And as the day goes on, you do start to feel a bit better, but really you just can’t wait for tomorrow.
Because tomorrow means a fresh new start and a day not spent vomiting and sweating out alcohol.
20. Or worrying that no one will ever associate with you again because of how you behaved last night.
21. In the mean time, you could really do with a cuddle, some sympathy, love and affection as the needy stage of your hangover kicks in.
When you decide to watch a feel good film to cheer you up and only have a giant bucket of ice cream for company.
22. And in your pain you vow that you will never drink alcohol again.
Though we all know that isn’t true.