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12 Things All Twins Are Tired of Hearing

Everyone has their own interesting facts. The kind of trivia you reveal leaning against the bar or to break the lull in a particularly stale dinner date. They are usually blockbuster anecdotes including mountains in Nepal or markets in Northern China however, for some people, the interesting facts are inherent and unavoidable like a birthmark or an unwanted uncle.

For the legions of twins, triplets and quadecaplets living in the world, their interesting trait drops them into a lifetime of questions and queries that range from the illogical to the occult.

Here’s a helpful guide to to being more considerate to all the polyzygotics and monozygotics out there.

1. “Are you guys identical?”

Despite standing next to one another and looking directly at the person as the questions falls out, this inquiry will never fail to arise. As if there’s some secret, dark, twin magic that occludes their sight. Just open your eyes.

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2. “Do you, like, know what the other one is thinking?”

This one is a classic, it’s the ‘Apocalypse Now’ of questions not to ask. Twins evolve over the years with their replies to telepathy. Beginning with sincere and polite answers, followed by minor frustration and ending with unfettered retorts of wrath. I’ve now resorted to answering that yes, twins are telepathic. Not just with their own sibling, but with all twins around the world.

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3. “Do you have the same dreams?”

No. Being a twin is not a David Lynch movie.

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4. “If your twin is hurt, does that mean you feel the pain as well?”

Another fan favourite, the phantom pain theory. As if years of listening to The Smiths and eating Sunday dinners to the voices of Andy Gray and Richard Keys has forged a gossamer thread between us. It really is the worst superpower.

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5. “But you’re completely different”

Everyone has flaws but not everyone has a doppelgänger for people to compare them against. Twins are fully aware of height differences, waistbands and differences in cash and assets. There’s no need to point and ogle.

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6. “Did you used to share baths together?”

Didn’t everyone?

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7. “Did you ever pretend to be the other person?”

“I always wanted to be a twin… I would just play pranks all the time.” Although a scheming kids show on Disney makes this look fun and exciting, schemes in the real world don’t come with the same team of writers and editors. Things like voice, personality and generally being a different person entirely gets in the way of “pranks”.

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8. “Do you argue?”

Like Kane and the Undertaker, but don’t all siblings? The 1990s only came with one desktop computer per household so using MSN was a war of attrition.

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9. “Who is the evil twin?”

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10. “Why don’t you both have the same job?”

Despite years of individual professional, personal and academic choices people still think twins should have the same profession. Along with the same girlfriends, words, trainers, hopes and dreams.

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11. “Here comes Double Trouble!”

“Double trouble” is the albatross around a twin’s neck and is a platitude that fortunately dies out somewhere in the late teens. Part case study in self-fulfilling prophecy and part Chuckle Brothers it helps nobody and would make the most restrained twin shiver.

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12. “What’s it like to be a twin?”

What’s it like to be blonde? What’s it like to be born in 1983? What’s it like to not drink Vimto? Both deeply philosophical and vacuous at the same time, this question is indescribable. Much like being a twin itself.

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