36 Unfair Stages of Life After University, As Told By Malcolm In The Middle
Graduate life is unfair.
1. You went to university because that’s what you were ~supposed~ to do.
2. But then when you left that all changed.
3. And you quickly realised how unfair the world is.
4. This often makes you sad…
5. And occasionally makes you rage.
6. You’re expected to act like an adult, but still get spoken to like you aren’t one.
7. The pressure to find meaningful employment is everywhere.
And you wish you could just make this decision…
8. But really you’re too busy still trying to get over the fact you’re no longer a student.
9. You feel underqualified for almost everything.
10. And start to take the rejections personally.
11. Meanwhile, literally everyone ever seems to be doing much better than you.
12. You stretch the truth so far on your CV that you have an identity crisis.
13. All you want is for someone to acknowledge how great you are.
14. But it feels like no matter what you do, nothing goes your way.
15. So you take comfort in sleep.
16. And food.
17. You probably take “follow your dreams!” far too literally.
18. And have literally no idea what it means to be an adult.
19. All you know is that you hate your hometown and need to get out asap.
20. You don’t go out half as much as you used to.
Or need to.
21. And birthdays and Christmas will never be as exciting again.
22. You start to actually hate everyone who is younger than you.
23. People ask you questions like, “but what are you doing with your life?”
24. And “why aren’t you married yet????”
25. You just wish they’d stop and appreciate how hard it is to be a graduate.
26. Application forms and interviews force you to list your qualities. You struggle.
27. Made even worse when you notice all the typos you’ve made.
Chances of getting this job = car on fire.
28. “Competitive salary” is the bane of your life.
Though really anything would do.
29. And graduate schemes genuinely terrify you.
30. The hunt for a job really tests your patience.
31. And after a while, everyone gets fed up of hearing you complain about life.
Ignore them. Keep going.
32. But eventually something comes up.
Though naturally, you’re suspicious. Apparently a sure sign of adulthood.
33. Then, finally in employment, you find new problems to overcome. Such as waking up early…
34. … Avoiding a quarter-life crisis.
35. And basically not wanting to go to that job you spent ages trying to secure.
36. The end. ☺️
Thanks a lot, Malcolm. 🙃