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14 Things You’ll Only Know If You Still Can’t Drive

All your friends have been driving for as long as the law would allow it, but that never mattered whilst you were at university. The only problem is that it’s over now, and you’re the only one sitting at home waiting for your Mum to take you to the station.

If you can’t drive yet, here are 14 ways your stagnancy will be ruining your summer:

1. You have all that petrol money but nowhere to go.

The financial stance is the best form of defence when being laughed at for your lack of driving licence. In reality, however, what are you doing with all that money you’re saving on petrol? Absolutely nothing. I’d rather be poor among friends at the pub than rich and alone at home.

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2. Home deliveries are the highlight of your day.

When visitors are few and far between, home deliveries can become your only source of human interaction. Unfortunately however, though you may begin to relish these encounters, the delivery man doesn’t want to be your friend, he’s being paid to smile. Don’t scare him off.

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3. People are always asking why you didn’t just learn in college.

“You must be regretting that now!” Yes, thank you.

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4. You plan your day around Deal or No Deal.

Whatever else you might find to do around the house to make yourself feel useful, when 4 o’clock rolls around, you know you’re on the home straight. By the time Deal or No Deal has finished, everyone else’s work day is done and you can go back pretending you’re a functioning member of society.

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5. You can’t remember when you last wore actual clothes.

Despite having your online shopping trolley full at all times, pyjamas are the uniform of the provisional licence holder. If there’s no chance of leaving the house, why dirty new clothes? You’re probably saving the environment single-handedly. Or not.

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6. You have to rely on your parents for everything.

Having established your independence at university, it’s time to swallow your pride when you have to ask your Dad to buy your beer. You’ll also become very comfortable with being resented – no parent enjoys giving their 22-year-old a lift to the station after a long commute from work.

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7. And you’ve been forced to adopt your mother’s diet.

There’s no breakfast McMuffin on the menu for you. When you’re limited to your parents’ fridge, it’s a steady diet of kale and quinoa. This problem will really rear it’s ugly head when you’re hungover.

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8. Your friends are getting bored of being the designated driver.

You become increasingly less appealing as a drinking companion when you can’t share the driving. Nobody invites a friend out to just to watch them drink, especially when they can’t return the favour.

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9. So you’ve had to re-acquaint yourself with public transport.

Taking the same bus route as you did when you were 11, but paying triple as much for it, is deeply depressing. Also, learning to read a bus timetable is about as hard as finals.

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10. Desperation has pushed you to your physical limits.

Your friend calls to invite you to the pub in town. It’s 5 miles away. That’s nothing, right? An hour into your walk when you can no longer feel your feet, you’ll be forced to call your Mum for a lift.

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11. You’ve even considered clearing the dust off your childhood bike.

What does it matter if you could kneel on it and still touch the floor? Nothing else could possibly matter when your glorious handlebar streamers are once again blowing in the wind.

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12. Because without it, you’re at the bottom of the food chain.

Lorry drivers hate cars, cars hate cyclists, and everyone hates pedestrians. It’s the unwritten rule of the road that the more road tax you pay, the more entitlement you have to aim directly at anyone who dares step foot on a zebra crossing. 

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13. You’re used to being judged by taxi drivers.

You know the vague location of your house, but outside a 50m radius, where exactly it is is anyone’s guess. Sadly, without a driving licence, you’ll never know how to get anywhere on your own.

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14. You end up running out of excuses as to why you can’t go anywhere.

You’ve had every illness in the book and you’ve killed off every distant relative. It’s time to confess.

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