9 Ways Apple Pay Is Making Students Poorer

Today, Apple launched Apple Pay in the UK, the contactless technology that makes wasting our money a whole lot easier. To authorise a payment, all you need is your fingerprint, so unlike a pin code, you can’t even hope to forget it on a night out. Sneaky Apple taking advantage of our genetics.

Like with contactless cards, the current spending limit via your Apple device is £20 per transaction, but that doesn’t stop the savvy student buying 17 separate rounds at £19.99 a pop. And with the scheme being encouraged by by more than 250,000 retailers, you’ll be spending into your savings before the weekend is through.

Here are a number of ways that Apple Pay can, and probably will, financially ruin you at university this year:

1. ”Hey everybody, come watch me pay for your drinks.”

When it’s this new, the chances are your party trick is going to get a reaction from your entourage. Whilst some will be genuinely intrigued, the majority will be laughing into their free drinks, so don’t be flattered when your friends keep asking for a demonstration – they think you’re an idiot.


2.” I spent nothing… Oh no wait, I spent everything.”

The problem with all this technology is that there’s no real-life, tangible evidence for things anymore. So when paying is as easy as being in possession of your own finger, the chance of it making any lasting impression on your memory is not strong. And that’s before you start drinking.

3. Personal injury will be heavily compensated. By you.

Nightclubs can be pretty hazardous places, so you certainly wouldn’t be the first person to fall over in one. What you might be, however, is the first one to accidentally pay for a drink on your way down.

4. Credit cards, travelcards and all other vintage forms of payment will turn on you.

If it’s plastic and has a magnetic strip, it no longer has a place in your life – your iPhone will make damn sure of that. Sending a text at the same time as paying for your lunch could incur some serious financial repercussions, but then that’s your fault for being so 2014.


5. ”Taxi!”

Pre-booked? Nah. Cash point? Nah. Phone signal? Nah.

Apple isn’t even trying to hide it with this one: they want us to all be poor. And fat.

6. When your battery dies, your life will actually end.

With everything else becoming defunct, from watches to wallets, you will have to rely on your phone to exist. When it fails you, good luck buying a new one with the debit card you now use as a coaster.

7. Goodbye ASOS, hello high-street.

At least your unhealthy addiction to online shopping could be satisfied in a dark room somewhere. The new-found ease of shopping with Apple Pay will have you back on the streets in no time. God help the public.


8. You will dedicate most of your waking day to iOS Updates.

When you use your phone for absolutely everything, and it needs to be up-to-date to work, you’ll have to embrace the enthusiasm with which Apple revise its software. In fact, it happens so regularly, you’ll probably have to give up your degree just to keep up, so good luck getting that big city job.

9. ”I don’t trust anything anymore. Take me back to 2014!”

Nobody will blame you for this eventual collapse of trust. When your iPhone tries to rob you daily, you’ll wish you could go to back when people paid with cards and everything made sense. 

What is this strange new world?