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6 Ways You Can Tell Your Significant Other Didn’t Go to University

Ever felt like the least-significant other? They just know stuff.

1. Dates in the past three years mean different things to you both

They can remember what was happening in the news at certain points in very recent history. What they know as “the time of the Egyptian revolution”, you know as “the time Gorilla Walks Like a Man Part 2 was all the rage on YouTube.”

2. Their decorating knowledge trumps yours

When it comes to decorating, they know what they’re talking about when they say you’ll need two tubs of paint. The student in you will insist you buy only one and you will consequently have to make a second trip to The Range, which will have naturally run out of the colour you want, and you will have to spend the rest of your allocated painting evening in the car park of KFC, eating chicken in a tense silence and hoping that your significant other is not committing this event to memory in order to bring it up in a future argument.

3. They understand real life expenses

They’ve been paying council tax for years, they can talk to and, more importantly, they understand the gas and electric company and they don’t huff and puff and mumble about injustice when paying full price for a pair of glasses at Specsavers.

4. They can cook

To you, breakfast is two slices of toast, and dinner is two slices of toast with some Super Noodles on top. To them, breakfast is a beautiful meal consisting of bacon and avocado, and dinner takes at least 45 minutes to make. Every meal they prepare makes you feel ashamed of your lack of culinary expertise, but by the time you’ve finished eating you’re so full and content that you just don’t care.

5. They drink the alcohol they actually like

They drink red wine because they like red wine. They do not drink 2 litre bottles of cheap cider because it comes out top of the quantity/percentage/price table in the back of their mind when choosing what alcohol to buy from the supermarket.

6. They have a career

The chances are they earn more money than you. They do not owe £18,000 to the government for three years of lying on the sofa watching One Tree Hill with a pile of books next to them for show, because whilst you were doing that they were out there getting a head start on the real world and earning fully paid-for spectacles.

You’ll catch up. Eventually. 

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