24 Lies You’ve Definitely Told If You’ve Ever Been To University
“I am an independent student who don’t need no lecture.”
1. I’ll talk to my friends from home every day.
Or maybe every other day. Or maybe every week.
2. I will never call my University flat my ‘home’.
I always call my flat my home and now my mother is currently seeking adoption advice.
When you call uni 'home' in front of your mum pic.twitter.com/J65bwzORi2
— Robyn🥀 (@robyndavidsonxo) January 8, 2017
3. I’m going to cook an actual, proper meal tonight. With vegetables.
But then I do have a family pack of potato smileys in the freezer and we wouldn’t want to waste them…
4. I will clean all of my plates and cutlery right after using them.
Eh, soaking is the new cleaning.
5. I won’t moan about my flatmates. Ever.
Okay, so I may be loud, but at least I don’t leave my teabags in the sink like you do, JENNIFER.
6. I’m not going to continuously talk about how much I am paying for tuition.
£9,000 for a PowerPoint presentation that goes too fast? £9,000 and I’m paying to print? £9,000 to spend half the year at home and only 10 hours a week on campus?
7. I won’t Facebook stalk everyone I meet.
Their mum’s Facebook cover photo is an absolute family classic.
8. I won’t partake in the childish Southerners vs. Northerners debate.
BUT IT’S GRASS NOT GRASS.
9. I’m going to look nice for Uni everyday.
Coin the word ‘chic’ on the end of anything and make it a look, yesterday’s-clothes-chic, my-hair-is-in-unplanned-dreadlocks-chic, ketchup-stained-chic, SIMPLE.
10. I will use my student loan for only the necessities.
You know – food, toilet paper, peach schnapps, a ball pit…
11. I’m going to make lunch and not buy it.
Even the shitty SU sandwich is better than my sad excuse for lunch – take my money.
12. I will not be drawn in by student offers.
Funny how so many ‘just for you’ emails get sent round during the time my student loan appears. Let’s discuss this over a 25% discounted Chiquitos.
13. I’m not going to go out.
I’m young, wild and free. What time is pre-drinks?
14. Okay, I’ll go out. But I’m not drinking.
Vodka has no calories – I’m just out on my diet.
15. I will not get involved with anyone romantically.
My tinder profile says otherwise.
16. I don’t need to buy coffee, I’ll bring it in a flask from home.
I want to look late in STYLE with my incorrectly named Starbucks cup.
17. I’m not going to talk to my friend in the library.
We will start in five minutes/ten minutes/time is merely a social construct, right?
18. I’m going to do all the required reading.
But then I could also just rely on the trusty person who always speaks in the seminar anyway.
19. And attend all the lectures.
I am an independent student who don’t need no lecture.
20. AND TAKE NOTES.
Okay, so I missed what that lecture was about, but at least I now know which Subway sandwich Buzzfeed thinks I am.
21. I certainly won’t be leaving my essays to the last minute.
I work well under pressure anyway. It’s me versus you, Turnitin.
22. I will not bitch about my presentation group, we are a TEAM.
A team of arseholes, apparently.
23. I’ll find the most amazing work experience, get a First, and be employable AF before I leave Uni.
I may as well have attended ‘The University of Life’ with all the middle-aged Uni haters.
24. And I won’t miss it when it’s over.