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Everything That Happens On a London Student’s Night Out

“Do I catch the Night Bus home or just get an Uber?”

1. You’re battling off the Facebook promoters.

It’s not easy being a student in the expensive capital; you have to make some attempt to nurture your bank balance. This means ignoring the people you naively accepted as friends on Facebook during Freshers’ Week inviting you to the BIG SHOREDITCH STUDENT BLOW OUT WITH FREE DOUGHNUTS AND SMOKE MACHINE night.

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2. And you’re ignoring most of your texts.

There’s always someone keen to go out in the flat, whether they’ve just finished their essay or they fancy someone in another flat who’s going out that night. But you ignore them like a non-compulsory reading, despite them also inviting you to the pre-drinks (in your own flat, so considerate!)

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3. You hear the playlist on at pre’s, and you’re sold.

It’s hard to avoid the music and, let’s face it, you’re only young once. Suddenly, you think dipping into that overdraft won’t be so bad. You’ve got some of the finest own-brand vodka that’s been maturing since last weekend in hand.

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4. The sudden realisation that you’ll be drinking on the Tube sets in.

You think more and more about how much you’ll be spending on this night out, so you make a cocktail I like to call ‘pending death’ just to save some cash. So economical.

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5. It’s a complete mission to decide where you’re actually going.

Going out in London is a bit of a buffet – there’s a wide selection, it can be dodgy, but a lot of it is fantastic. But either way, you tend to go into a general area and scout for what says “young, fun but I won’t get mugged.”

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6. You’ll head to a bar first, and be outraged if they try to charge an entry fee.

YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A DANCEFLOOR. Time to move on.

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7. You head to a club that’s surprisingly cool.

In London, you’re always discovering new clubs and quirky bars. But this doesn’t always happen, and you’ll soon wish you had signed up to join the SHOREDITCH STUDENT BLOW OUT WITH FREE DOUGHNUTS AND SMOKE MACHINE night.

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8. You swore you wouldn’t buy a drink in the club but you also swore you wouldn’t be here.

You tried to save money but how are you going to be cheers-ing to the freakin’ weekend with Rihanna empty-handed? It doesn’t look right.

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9. Shots? Shots.

The self-pep talk emerges. I’M YOUNG, I’M HAVING FUN, and I WORK HARD TOO (sometimes).

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10. I am the best dancer in the entire universe!

The drinks have nicely submerged and now you’re a carefree spirit with only shapes to cut like the finest mathematician of our generation.

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11. Money is made to be spent.

The waves of epiphanies start flowing… Did JoJo really want them to get out, right now? The rest of my life really is unwritten, Natasha. And you do make money to spend it. Drinks on me!

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12. You lose all hope when you try to pay for stuff with your Oyster card.

Why is this not working? Why isn’t anyone replying to my texts of literary genius? Why is my hair stuck to my face? Help.

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13. Okay. Time to leave now.

For the purpose of your dignity and the prospect of living off cheap noodles for another week.

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14. Debating for a second to have a hotdog from a suspicious stand or go elsewhere.

You’ll make many wrong decisions in life but if the food is shockingly cheap and items on the menu are spelt incorrectly, it’s a sign for you to back away. Although you know you’ll opt for the exact same meal in the exact same place anyway…

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15. Vigorously searching for a Tube station and contemplating leaving your friend who may as well not live in London.

Why is it that the Tube station magically moves as far away from you as possible when you want to go home? But the pity really lies with your mate who lives in Zone 200. Where’s your Night Tube at, babe?

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16. But if it’s a weekday, the bus vs. Uber battle commences.

The Night Bus will actually age you by the time you arrive home but the lack of expense is so appealing. Deep down in your heart, you know you’ll be getting an Uber anyway. It just hurts more for the person who orders it every time.

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17. Either way, you’re making life-long friends and/or getting judged.

In the early hours of the morning, you end up missing the ten-minute friends you made on the Tube and buses, and the people on their way to work look at you like you just sneezed all over the handrails. But the Uber drivers are the true heroes – they could surcharge for the therapy that they’re forced to provide, the friendships they ignite in carpools, and the use of the Aux cord.

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18. But you’ll forever remain shook from the expense of London.

@ NUS: where is my discount on fun?

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