Every Type of Housemate You’ll Have at Uni, as Told By Jeremy Corbyn
All of your housemates are Jeremy Corbyn, and Jeremy Corbyn is all of your housemates.
1. The one who thinks shopping at Sainsbury’s is thrifty.
Their mum only shops at Waitrose so to them Sainsbury’s is like Asda – a complete bargain. They’ll probably refer to it as ‘Saino’s’ though and bang on about how surprised they are by the range of houmous.
2. The peace maker.
“Now lets deal with this like adults…”
3. The one who has a bike.
There’s two kind of bike people at uni: those who have one and ride it to uni everyday, and those who brought a bike to save on bus fare but you’ve only one ever seen them ride it once. No matter what type of bike person you live with you can be sure their bike will clog up the hall and you’ll trip over it constantly.
4. The one who has a collection of unwashed mugs in their bedroom.
“Has anyone seen the mugs, there’s only two in the cupboard?”
— Devutopia (@D_Raval) May 19, 2017
5. The secret gossiper.
They’re watching from afar with a sneaky grin on their face, laughing at all the petty shenanigans that are going on which they’ll later share with their co-gossiper over a cup of tea.
6. The one who you
They think the sun shines out of their arse, and no matter how hard you try you can’t escape them.
7. The one who’s always there to give you a hug.
Whether essay deadlines are stressing you out, or you’re just feeling homesick, there’s always that one person who becomes your uni mum and is always there to give you a hug. This person is the light at the end of the tunnel and is everyone’s favourite housemate by far.
— Emily Ashton (@elashton) December 4, 2015
8. The shouty one.
“WHO’S TURNED THE HEATING ON?!” “WHO’S LEFT CRUMBS ON THE SOFA?” “WHO’S FIDDLED WITH THE SHOWER NOZZLE??”
9. The ethical warrior who only shops organic and eats ‘clean’.
You had never even heard of quinoa until you met them but now you can name all the different types along with the nutritional benefits. This person probably starts each day with a green juice and wears fairtrade cotton culottes.
10. The one who only ever wears a 90s tracksuit.
Do they own any other clothes? It’s a mystery you’ll never solve.
This is hands-down, out-and-out, the best Corbyn look so far. £9 tracksuit, placky bag, buckets of anxiety coffee pic.twitter.com/y5V2GCwY2H
— Camilla Long (@camillalong) November 29, 2015
11. The one who’s growing a beard and tells everyone who visits.
It makes them feel manly, okay? And they need to let you know they’re growing it so you know they’re a real man now.
12. The one who wears shorts all year round and doesn’t let you turn the heating above 15 degrees.
It’s the middle of Winter and you’re wrapped up in many a layer of knitwear whilst they prance about in shorts and shout at you for turning the heating up.
Pictures from aforementioned DM story of 'Jeremy Corbyn Wears Shorts'… pic.twitter.com/cO3kKzkz9U
— Lisa (@fenwench) September 11, 2015
13. The one who’s blaring music 24/7.
Everyone has one, fingers crossed you live with someone who actually has good music taste. They’re in charge of the pre-drinks playlist, which they treat like an actual job and will freak out if you try and skip a song.
— SBTV News (@SBTVNewsOnline) May 18, 2017
14. The one who corners you in the kitchen and talks about their really dull hometown.
“I just want to scramble these eggs, Jeremy, I don’t really care about the history of Kettering, or how bad the trains are.”
15. The one who has some questionable ways of fixing things around the house.
“Just prop it up with match sticks – it’ll be fine.”
16. The one who can’t stand the mess but never tidies up or cleans.
They’ve literally never taken the bins out and leave their dishes piled up for weeks but will call a house meeting to berate everyone else about how messy the house is. “Listen here, my mum’s coming tomorrow and someone’s spilt chilli sauce all over the hobs. It’s a right state!”
17. The one who never leaves the house.
They watch so much ITV daytime the people in the Oak Furniture Land advert feel like their family. You’ll come back from lectures to find them wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, which is exactly where they were when you left earlier.
My fashion look for summer 2017 is Jeremy Corbyn entering (or emerging from) a train toilet. pic.twitter.com/r0nR1voQx3
— Nick Hilton (@nickfthilton) April 14, 2017
18. And finally, the snake.
You think you’re mates but it turns out they’ve been spending their time talking about you behind your back. The snake is not to be trusted but can be hard to spot, especially as some snake-y housemates don’t just have two faces but instead have many.