24 Humans You See On Your Daily Commute, And The Animals They Represent
The epitome of awkward British society. You can laugh all you want at these people because you see them on your commute every day, as long as you remember the more pressing matter: which one do people think you are… Can you deduce for yourself?
All aboard the human safari.
1. The Undecider (The Fly).
Either this person refuses to be a sheep of society and doesn’t want to join those large packs forming either side of them or they’re absolutely sure they know where the doors of the train will stop – or they’re just plain wrong. More often than not it is the latter… They buzz back and forth between the large groups, always unsure where to land.
2. The Latecomer (The Tortoise).
You recognise the Latecomer because, guess what, they’re always late and it’s the same story every day: they never quite make it. Your innards burn because of their LACK OF ORGANISATION. Slow and steady doesn’t always win the race.
3. The Nose Picker (The Pig).
Are they aware of the obviousness of this vicious act? Or do they simply not care? The thing that really concerns you is where this bogey is going to go because you watch them look at it and you can tell from their face they have no tissue. So ensues the following thought process: Please, please don’t wipe it on the chair next to you… Oh my God, what if I’m sat on one? Oh no! Please, no… Don’t eat it. NO! What are you doing?!
4. The Just In Timer (The Rhino).
As the doors finally begin close to cut off the brisk morning air, a smile forms on your face for the approaching warmth. But watch out, here comes a charging rhino in the form of a near ‘Latecomer’. The doors are already half shut and you hope this animal doesn’t make it in time as it will only satisfy your inner desire to mentally scream ‘that’s karma!’ But unluckily they squeeze themselves through the tiniest of gaps and delay the journey a bit more.
5. The Sleeper (The Sloth).
Completely unaware of the nose picking spectacle that is occurring around them and everything else that is Tweet worthy. Even the blaring tannoy reminders can’t seem to stir them. Should you wake them and ask where they’re getting off before letting them sleep some more? Or should you secretly hope they miss their stop and witness the potential panic take over their face?
6. The Space Lover (The Elephant).
Whether it be for holidaying suitcases, briefcases or a plastic bag with food you have unadulterated contempt for this lot. Even more so for the former. Excuse me! Seats are for bums not bags. Sure, you only have to ask to sit there and sure, they’re going to move the bags, but what if they say no? What if they actually stop you from sitting there? Things are going to get awks.
7. The Reader (The Owl).
Wise, scholarly and often listening to music at the same time. This is the commuting symbol for DO NOT DISTURB.
8. The Cyclist (The Mammoth).
It’s the king of The Space Lover; like an elephant only with much more baggage. Lycra suits donned, miniature backpack pulled up high, water bottle in one hand and handlebars in the other. But what’s most curious to you are two other things: do they stink when they get to work? And how the hell does their suit fit in that tiny backpack?
9. The Pole Hugger (The Koala).
As you can see the native Australian herbivore has migrated to your local public transporter. It has grown in size somewhat, has adopted an undeniable amount of ignorance and won’t let anyone else enjoy the pole they cling to.
10. The PDAers (The Rabbits).
There is a time and a place, people. A time and a place. And that is not when five other people are squashed against you!
11. The Seat Stealer (The Hyena).
Out of nowhere a seat becomes available. You turn your head to see the carriage has emptied and you can escape from the lip lockers. All seats are occupied but one and it’s encased in some heavenly light. You strut toward it, but your confidence becomes too much when you fail to notice the thieving hyena. You return to your standing position, red-faced and wounded.
12. The I-Think-I-Can-Go-Without-Holding-A-Rail (The Donkey).
Stubborn, stupid and clumsy; it’s the complete opposite of The Koala and in a way they’re actually worse. There’s a railing within arm’s reach of them, but no, they’re so s(ass) they don’t need it. So as you stand there, enjoying your personal space, the train jolts away from the platform and suddenly everything moves in slow motion. The rail-neglecter flails, looking for anything to support them… literally anything.. but nothing comes to their aid apart from your unwilling body.
13. The Loud One (The Howler Mokey).
Ironically often found in the quiet zone, on their phone or with blaring headphones.
14. The Gentlemen (The Steed).
Gives up their seat for anyone. Would even give up their seat for a fellow gent.
15. The I’m-Not-Moving-For-Anyone (The Panda).
Either stubborn, rude or just incredibly lazy. Sits in the priority seat as soon as it becomes available without a second glance around to see if anyone else wants it. Once they take this seat they ain’t going anywhere.
16. The Tourists (The Wolves).
They come in packs and they do their best to stay in packs. No man gets left behind so they will do anything and everything to stop someone from being separated. But it doesn’t always work and so appears The Straggler…
17.The Straggler (The Lone Wolf).
See above. Someone you should probably help, but don’t.
18. Your Crush (The Fox).
You see them every day. You know what stop they get on and off at (no stalker). You catch each other’s eyes repeatedly. But your fear of being judged and over-romanticism come in to play… fast forward five years: ‘You two are so cute, where did you meet?’ … ‘On a train’ … ‘Oh.’
19. The Eater (The Hippo).
Cold food is fine but hot greasy fast food is not. The carriage soon stinks of oil and it’s so strong you feel it clinging to you. You want to grab their fast food bag and throw it off at the next stop, but if you did you’d be thrown off after. Unfortunately there is no escape from this Hungry Hungry Hippo.
20. The Smelly One (The Skunk).
Another strong stench fills your nostrils other than the greasy burger that is being munched on. You turn your head on this overcrowded train and you are unpleasantly greeted by a sweaty armpit. Your nose is sucked in and when you pull away it’s wet. Gag!
21. The Phone Peeper (The Mole).
They think they’re being discreet in their attempt to spy other people’s text messages, but unbeknownst to them, in a secondary form, they are a phone and you are their Peeper. What they are doing completely goes against society’s etiquette, but what you’re doing is completely fine. Their amusing facial reactions become a good pass time and as you watch them watch the phone you try to deduce what the text says.
22. The Workaholic (The Ant).
Often joining the train very early on in its journey. They grab the seat with the table, they set their laptop and coffee down and they do what they’re going to do for the rest of the day. You are quite envious as you wish you could do the same, rather than peeping at their Excel document.
23. The Friendly One (The Dolphin).
Sociable and talkative, they will make conversation from anything: destination, work, the book you’re reading, work, what you’re eating. You just want them to stop.
24. The Truly British One (The Bulldog).
The one who understands that the only way to travel on publish transport in Britain is to keep yourself to yourself at all times. They respond bluntly and awkwardly to any flouters of this maxim.
Keep an eye out on your next commute to see how many you can spot. But try not to make eye contact.