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Here’s Your UEA Student’s Guide To Completing The 5 Ls

It’s the ultimate question asked at pre-drinks: which of the 5 Ls could you, should you or would you do? For all you who are curious we’ve compiled a guide for figuring these tricky locations out – or just for adding to the ongoing debate.

1. The Lake

Okay it sounds rather romantic on the face of it; lying on the grass surrounded by beautiful trees, gazing across the water with a fantastic sunset blazing across the sky.

But think about it. You’re in England, it’s cold, it’s wet, it’s muddy and you really don’t want to take your kit off. How are you supposed to feel sexy surrounded by rabbit droppings and swan shit?



Now for the technicalities of your lake-side sexual adventure:

  • There are security cameras round the Ziggurat side of the lake.
  • The other side has no lights – you are likely trip and fall face first into the mud.
  • It’s pretty exposed.
  • Dog walkers are a constant threat, they are even out at night.

Your best bet is probably the bridge over the river around the back of the lake; less mud, much less exposed and various escape routes if you’re caught.

2. The LCR

There’s no denying the LCR is the most tempting of the 5 Ls to do. You’re drunk, you’re dancing with an attractive guy/girl and you’re both definitely up for doing the do. Why not sneak off in a dark corner somewhere and try to complete the first of the five?

Wait there just a minute. Do you really want to get banned from the LCR? Also the floor is a no go for obvious reasons, the gender neutral toilets are 100% being checked now they’re gender neutral and if it’s a Tuesday or a slow Saturday then you’ve got no chance.



Here are the major issues with the LCR as a hook up spot:

  • The bouncers are everywhere.
  • You’re probably drunk and foolish – you need heightened senses to complete this L.
  • Finding a place is tricky, especially if it’s not a busy night.
  • You can’t always plan ahead in these situations.
  • There are eyes everywhere.

If you’re a hardcore UEA student and have to complete the challenge then your best bet is probably carefully planning out this escapade during the day when the LCR is empty. Behind the bottle bar, in the cloak room or under the stage are all viable options.

3. The Launderette

Possibly the hardest of the 5 Ls but potentially the most rewarding. If you want to get all hot and steamy where better to do it than a room that is constantly hot and steamy? It’s late at night, you shouldn’t be doing this, but if those machines are turned on, so are you.

Seriously though, this is a tough one to get away with. The launderette always has people in it, day and night. No matter how much you plan, there’s no guarantee it will work: there’s literally nowhere to hide and the door is a massive window for all the passers by to spy on your little ‘get together’.



This is what’s wrong with getting it on in the launderette:

  • “Hey babe, wanna take a stroll down to the launderette? If you know what I mean?”
  • Whether it’s on the street or next to the medical centre there are always people doing their laundry.
  • Unless the smell of dirty laundry is a massive turn on for you you might have to have a peg on your nose.
  • Can you fit into a washing machine? If not, you’re very very exposed.

The best way of accomplishing this L is probably to go at a time when the launderette is guaranteed to be empty and no one is going to be around; like on Christmas Day, at 4am and only if it’s snowing. You must be absolutely dedicated to the cause for this to be achievable.

4. The Library

Who doesn’t love the smell of books? Orgasmic, right? Right from the dirty look you get from the librarians on the way in, you just know this is a prime location for an intimate moment. If you’ve got a partner who’s down for a little hanky panky then where better than the library?

Let’s pause for a second. Just because you have a library procrastination crush doesn’t mean that this is an ideal location for bumping uglies. Even if you’ve booked yourself a room for a little how’s your father, people are bound to come knocking while they’re looking for rooms themselves. Also, even though it’s open 24 hours a day, there are still those students who practically live there. How would you like it if someone came into your house and started doing it?



Now here are the problems you’re going to run into in the Library:

  • If you look suspicious the librarians will know what’s up.
  • You can’t book the cinema room at 3am – They lock that one too.
  • People are always snooping round looking for books or whatever.
  • The lift moves too quickly to get it done before you get to floor 3.
  • There are cameras in the rolling stacks.

There are a lot of possibilities for this L to be done right but the easiest is probably to book the cinema room early and prop something up against the door. Really this one depends on how much time you need cause there are tonnes of nooks and crannies to sneak away to.

5. The Lecture Theatre

Of course a little pick me up before your 9am lecture would be fantastic but does a lecture theatre really get the blood pumping? That rattling voice in the microphone, the slow click from one slide to the next and the ever present sighs from students falling asleep and feebly trying to concentrate. Not the most romantic of settings but one of the Ls no less.

The appeal of the lecture theatres may be lost on most but for those of you contemplating the 5 Ls you might find the stairs quite uncomfortable, the floor rough and dirty and those pesky flip-up chairs incredibly impractical.



Here are your main obstacles when trying to do the lecture theatre deed:

  • During a lecture, although impressive, just isn’t going to end well.
  • The cleaners will inevitably appear just at the wrong moment.
  • Nothing about a lecture theatre could really get you in the mood.
  • Getting locked in wouldn’t be great – especially if it’s a one night stand type deal.

Timing is key with this one, not during a lecture, not when the cleaners are about and hopefully not when they’re just about to lock up. You’re going to have to do a lot of research and staking out for this lust-filled dream to ever become a reality.

Good Luck.

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