15 Things You Do When Drunk That Would Be Weird If You Were Sober
Alcohol does things to you. You wouldn’t do any of these things stone cold sober.
1. All piling into one toilet
Why would you all go separately when four of you can squash inside one tiny cubicle? Why does this never occur to us sober? It’s clearly SO much more practical and such a fun bonding exercise…
2. Enthusiastically accosting strangers
When else would it be socially acceptable to charge around the place, run up to strangers and tell them you love them?
3. Suddenly taking up a badass new habit
When did you start chain smoking, giving Titanic’s Jack Dawson a run for his money in the spitting stakes and swearing like its going out of fashion? Ah, since you downed that last pint…
4. Devouring your own bodyweight in questionable meat and anything fried
So you’re a health freak, on a diet or a lifelong vegetarian? Not any more you’re not! All that goes straight out the window when you’ve had a few (along with your table manners).
5. Demanding that the DJ plays your favourite song immediately and refusing to take no for an answer
Imagine going round to your friend’s house for lunch and pulling a full-on sulk until she agrees to find your favourite track on iTunes….
6. Using your dance moves to seduce
Would you slut drop, eye him ‘seductively’ and wiggle away on a first date? Nope.
7. Wearing no clothes in -12 degrees
With alcohol’s magical numbing properties it is now socially acceptable to tip toe through the snow in 5-inch heels and a mini dress. Acceptable to all, that is, apart from the sober and bemused commuters on their way home on a Friday night.
8. Having pep talks in the mirror
So you excuse yourself, pop to the bathroom and have a little ‘one on one’ time with yourself in the mirror. In any setting other than a club toilet you would probably attract quite a few concerned glances…
9. Singing at the top of your lungs in public
Has anyone ever screamed at a long-suffering taxi driver to “TURN THE RADIO UP” while sober?
10. Getting overly emotional
So you’re in the mall, your favourite song comes over the speakers and you well up. You tell your best friend how much you love them and full on break down in the middle of Topshop. Nope? Doesn’t happen? Yet it seems to every Saturday night on the dance floor…
11. Swearing at people, getting into fights and generally being rowdy
12. Making someone down their drink to the point of being sick
There’s a reason people aren’t downing Frappuccinos and Lattes. Why is throwing up suddenly less funny in the cold light of day?
13. Stealing stuff
What is it about alcohol that turns even the most innocent, law-abiding among us into outright thieves? Is there any other time in life, apart from while under Smirnoff’s influence, when it suddenly occurs to you that you desperately need that piece of furniture/poster/road sign and you must get it home by all means?
14. Invading people’s personal space
Try getting all up in people’s grills in queues or on the tube in rush hour like you do when you’re intoxicated. Watch what happens.
15. Deciding that the middle of the night is prime catch-up time with all your mates (or worse – your ex)
Has anyone in the history of sobriety ever thought that 3am is the perfect time to make a few calls, send a few Snapchats and circulate a few texts just, you know, to see how everyone’s doing?