12 Ways To Convince Others You’re A Mature Adult
You may feel like it’s been decades since you were living the uni dream, but to most people you’re still the young, wild student you always were.
Ageism is a terrible thing, so here’s 12 ways to discourage others from thinking that you’re fresh out of Uni and don’t know what you’re doing…
1. Speak of university as if it were a distant memory
What did you study at university? You can’t even remember, it was so long ago. But you do know that back in your day, tuition fees were A THIRD of what they are now – how times have changed…
2. Don’t use young expressions
When making an important business decision, resist the temptation to shout “YOLO” and flip a coin. Sophisticated business folk do not say “BAZINGA!”, “mate” or impersonate each other’s accents when bored. Unfortunately.
Instead, opt for a more archaic vocabulary, such as “jolly good” and “old chum”. Refer to yourself only as “one” and correct others’ grammar to make people recognise that you are wise beyond your years.
3. Dress for success
Your burgundy skinnies are a clear identifier of your youth, so opt for something more “vintage” in your office attire – out of shape jumpers and baggy trousers from M&S are wardrobe staples.
4. Make mature chit-chat
Name dropping adult topics is always an effective way of enhancing your mature status; when colleagues ask you about your weekend, make mundane small talk about how “the country is going to the dogs”, your never ending mortgage and the inflated price of milk.
5. Do not discuss youth culture
Harry potter – no, you haven’t heard any of his songs. You have no idea what a hipster is or why radio stations insist on playing such garbage.
6. Be wisdomous
When asked a question in a meeting, pause for an extended period of time, before avoiding the question entirely with an ambiguous statement – “I agree that we should develop our marketing strategy, but is the pen really mightier than the sword?” This will give you a mysterious aura and gain you the respect of others.
7. Express contempt at the signs of ageing
If you’re in the toilets and a colleague enters, shriek at the sight of your grey hairs and quickly pluck them away. Whilst stretching at your desk, draw attention to the creaks in your joints – could that be early signs of arthritis?
8. Get a respectable adult hobby
Make a conscious effort to inform others of how much you love golf, growing your own vegetables and knitting.
9. Criticise other youths
It’s disgusting how much young people drink nowadays, isn’t it? And there are no strong role models for young people – look at that Miley Cyprus kid who struts around naked and eats hammers – what is the world coming to?
10. Walk, don’t run
Even though you are a very busy mature adult, make sure you take a slow, strained pace whilst walking around the office to demonstrate to others that going “as fast as you can” is really not very fast, because you are so so old.
11. Narrow your tastebuds
Despite being accustomed to drinking anything and everything at University, insist to your colleagues that you only enjoy the finer beverages, particularly your sherry nightcap before bed.
12. Remember everything
Someone mentions a break up in the office – ahh, you remember the first break up you had. A colleague has bought a new car, “oh I remember my first car…” Your boss brings in his grandfather’s medal for valiant service in World War 2 – ahh, World War 2, that reminds you…